Welcome to Open Tab, a weekly roundup of news, gossip, and stories that have stayed open in my tabs all week. Last week we covered rumors of cat killing and various other scandals at Horses.
When explorers in the days of yore set out to discover colonize new lands, they loaded up their boats with hardtack, salted meat, and peas. They suffered from scurvy and sickness, and their diet was distinctly unglamorous. Space explorers of today have it much better, even as the food preservation challenges have gotten tougher. This week, the Artemis II mission began. It’s the first crewed mission to orbit the moon since 1972. Launching with them? Five distinct hot sauces, tortillas, an ominously named “vanilla breakfast drink,” and many other comestibles.
Also this week, we’re chatting about the lawsuit (or lack thereof) against David Protein, what wholesale food distributor Sysco’s immense new acquisition might mean for restaurants, and spice company Burlap & Barrel’s lawsuit against the Trump administration. But before all that: please note that Reese’s has committed to changing its recipe back to the original after sustained public outcry—including in this column. Do you think this is a direct result of my focused, public complaining? Hard to say!
On the evening of April 1st, Artemis II launched from Florida. That launch came after much preparation, including extensive plans around the crew’s menu. According to NASA, the crew had a lot of say on the menu for the 10-day journey. “Crew members sample, evaluate, and rate all foods on the standard menu during preflight testing, and their preferences are balanced with nutritional requirements and what [the spacecraft] can accommodate,” according to the Nasa website.
There are five hot sauces aboard, as well as “spicy green beans,” “barbecued beef brisket,” and something called “pineapple drink.” All told, there are 189 unique menu items, all of which are designed and packaged to be optimized for space. Good luck to the astronauts, and hopefully they enjoy their 58 tortillas, no more, no less.
This deal is important. Sysco, the country’s largest provider of food and other goods to restaurants and other food service providers, acquired Restaurant Depot, another massive supplier that mostly serves independent restaurants, for $29.1 billion. This isn’t just another merger—it’s two restaurant supplier colossus becoming one in a deal that will likely be scrutinized for anti-trust issues.
Put simply, if this deal does indeed go through in 2027, it would be pretty calamitous for the small, independent restaurants we love. Namely: the cost of their food will probably increase, making their margins even tighter or forcing them to pass that cost on to the diner. Personally, I can’t afford a $55 roast chicken and I don’t want my favorite spots to close down—should we all write to our Congresspeople or something?
A few weeks ago, a class action lawsuit was brought against David Protein—you know, from the bars? And the cod?—claiming that we were all Regina George-ed by the company. The suit claimed David severely misrepresented the calorie and fat content of each bar which allegedly had 400% more fat and 80% more calories than advertised.
The internet was a-twitter, the outrage was brewing, and founder Peter Rahal took to Twitter to dispel rumors—which of course only made things more intriguing. Apparently Rahal was telling the truth. This week, the class action has been unceremoniously dropped without any explanation. Was there a backdoor settlement? Did all parties sit down together at a cozy coffee shop and have a heart to heart? It’s impossible to know (but I’m choosing to think it’s option number two).
